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Wednesday, October 3, 2012

paper pockets

today i ripped your name off the board. all the little paper pockets with so many names.  gone.  all of them in the trash.  and it hurt.  it was one more reminder that today is not yesterday.  i have never been one for living in the past, but today i wanted to.  i wanted everyone and everything to go away and leave me alone.  alone in the past.  where i was comfortable.  where i knew where i stood.  where i knew you were there.  yesterday, where it felt safer, friendlier, more comfortable.  today is unknown.  i don't like unknown.   

as i peeled off all those little paper pockets, some of them came off easily.  fine.  some of them were stubborn, and left little bits behind.   i can handle stubborn.  but some of them tore, and ripped, and left most of their paper attached to the board....  and i cried.  it hurt, ripping them off.  forcing them to leave the home they were so firmly attached to.  and i asked myself why for the hundredth millionth time.  the pain was so fresh again.  i was reminded, yet again, that we are not together anymore. ripped apart, just like those little paper pockets.  again i felt angry, hurt, sad, frustrated, betrayed...  and i hated each and every new paper pocket that i put in those places.  more and more and more unfamiliar unknowns. replacing the ones from before.  it's not fair.  i don't like change.

i don't want to move on.  i don't want to pretend like what we had didn't exist.  i feel like that is what they want me to do... but i won't.  i can't.  it was too wonderful.  you can't just ignore wonderful. but they didn't care.  don't cry because it is over, they say.  be thankful because you had it, they say.  easy for them to say.  they didn't have it.  they don't know what i'm missing

 i move on.  i go forward.  i will not live in the past.   but it is hard.  and it still hurts.

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